Assertiveness Script Builder
Assertiveness sits between two more familiar patterns: staying quiet and hoping the problem resolves itself, or coming in hot and damaging the relationship. Being assertive means expressing what you think, feel or need clearly, in a way that respects both you and the other person.
Keeping quiet about your needs and feelings to keep the peace, like agreeing when you don't.
Your needs go unmet. The other person may not know anything is wrong, and resentment can build over time.
Showing frustration indirectly, rather than saying what's bothering you. The frustration tends to come out sideways, for example sarcasm or silence.
Usually nobody gets what they need. The other person may sense something is wrong without knowing how to fix it.
Expressing what you need at the other person's expense, like blaming, raising your voice or making threats.
You may get what you need in the moment, but it comes at the cost of respecting others, and the relationship can suffer.
Saying what you need, or where your limits are, clearly, while respecting the other person.
Both people's rights are respected.
How we learned to communicate
How we express our needs is often learned from family and the people around you. If conflict at home meant yelling, you may have learned to yell. If you were taught to put others first, or your upset was ignored, your own needs can be hard to say.
The ways we learned to communicate made sense at a particular time for us. If speaking up got us into trouble, staying quiet kept us safe. If we had to fight to be heard, we learned to fight. These ways of communicating once protected us, so it makes sense that we still use them. Noticing the pattern now gives you the chance to do things differently.
Reflecting on what communication was like growing up
- How did your family handle disagreements?
- What messages did you get about showing anger or hurt?
- How did you learn to get what you needed without asking directly?
- Do you still communicate that way now?
What can get in the way of assertiveness
Beliefs
Self-defeating thoughts like:
- “It is uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want.”
- “Speaking up will ruin the relationship.”
- “If they cared about me, they’d know what I need.”
Skills
It may be that we want to speak up but were not sure how yet. (Keep reading for DEAR MAN below.)
Anxiety
You know what to say but freeze in the moment. Calming your body first can help. (The grounding exercises can help to release tension in the body.)
Power differences
How assertive we feel can vary with different people. It can be harder to speak up with someone who holds more power, like a boss, a parent or a doctor.
DEAR MAN
DEAR MAN is the DBT format for making a specific request.
DEAR MAN walked through step by step.
How to DEAR MAN
The first four letters build what you say. The last three are about how you hold the conversation once it's underway. Before you start, think of something on your mind that you'd like to say to someone, but haven't felt able to. Then read each letter and fill in your own words below it.
Describe
What are the facts here? Try to leave out opinions or interpretations.
Express
How it affects you. "I feel ___ because ___", rather than expecting it to be obvious.
How does this affect you? Try: "I feel ___ because ___."
Assert
The request itself, said directly and specifically.
What exactly are you asking for?
Reinforce
Why agreeing would help, and thanks for considering it.
Why would agreeing help, and is there a thank you worth including?
During the conversation
Be mindful
Stay on the request. If it gets deflected, calmly say it again.
If they push back or change the subject, what will you say to bring it back?
Appear confident
Posture, eye contact and tone, even when confidence isn't what you feel.
What will you do with your body language or tone to help you appear confident?
Negotiate
Know your limits, and what you can give ground on inside them.
What's your limit, and what could you offer within it?
The last three prompts will collect here, as notes rather than script.
A final note on assertiveness
It is different from aggression.
Both involve saying what you need. The difference is whether you also respect the other person's needs and boundaries.
It doesn't guarantee an outcome.
It is about expressing yourself clearly in a way that respects your needs and the needs of others. You might meet in the middle, or not get what you want this time. You can express yourself clearly, but you can't control the other person's response.
It is a choice.
You don't have to be assertive every time. If speaking up could put you at risk, you may decide it isn't the right time. You can also be nervous, upset or unsure and still speak assertively.
Follows DEAR MAN, the interpersonal effectiveness skill from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan. This is an educational summary, not a substitute for individualised work with a therapist.